Jaded
by Yami Mariko
Summary: Anguish has driven Takato to become a jaded figure, made worse by his current mental stability. Apperently, there's no way to help him...or is there? Will Takato learn to recover his former self? Perhaps someone can help him.... *finished*
1. Innocent No More

Disclaimer:  Trust me, you would know.

A/N: Are any of you "For All Eternity" fans?  If so, gomen nasai!!  It needs serious rewrites, and as a result has been removed *temporarily* from fanfiction.net.  But hey!  In the meantime, you can satisfy yourself with a good healthy dose of Takato-ness, and await the Taichi-ness later!  This fic, "Jaded" is another strange idea I had while watching Digimon Tamers.  BTW, REVIEW ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Please?

**Jaded**

**Chapter One: Innocent No More**

_Everyone just thinks I'm a nice guy   
It's a little galling _

_Being able to fight isn't the only way to be strong   
I know that, but I can't say it_

~Translated from Across the Tears

            Takato was alone.  Not that he didn't mind.  He liked being alone.  But he didn't show it.  He was always pretending.  Pretending to be a sweet caring guy who was always ready with a kind word.  Pretending to be always concerned with the troubles of others.  Oh, if only they knew.

            He had changed so drastically.  He used to have sugar brown hair with creamy peach skin.  He had also had sparkling red eyes.  His attire had rarely differed from the familiar blue sweatshirt.  Now, his hair was light brown and his skin was practically white.  Sparkling red eyes had changed into dull ruby orbs.  He wore black a lot more than anything else.

            Exactly how this mysterious change had come, everyone was left in the dark.  It was difficult for anyone to accept this dark Takato, especially when memories of the old one surfaced.  Takato would remain silent when talk of the good times came, and eventually, his friends distanced away from him.  This suited him fine.

            Happiness was an emotion now impossible to grasp again, that innocent bliss in just life was strange to Takato, who had once been able to easily grab that simple pleasure not too long ago.  Now, he was separated by a wall from the emotions.  The only thing he truly felt was anguish.  

            Anguish.  Such an innocent word.  But it hid horrors that no one could even comprehend if they themselves had not lived it.  Takato was being forced into that world of suffering, and there was no escape, save death.  But Takato forced himself on, despite that wondrous realm of escape that death would bring.  

            Somehow, being exposed to that pure misery had changed Takato.  He found it impossible to see the good in life, or to see any light-hearted joy that could pull him out of his melancholy state.  He saw nothing to live for.   So, he constantly asked himself, why was he still living?  He could die anytime.  Yet, he pushed forth.

            Takato was considering suicide.  It was an option.  Not definite.  Yet.  But he had grown into the habit of attempting it many times, playing with life in a game where there were no winners.  

            Tonight, he would play again.  He pulled the knife from under the pillow.  He toyed with it, then, he gently cut into his arm.  He watched the blood trickle out, tiny droplets fall to the floor.  Then, he did it again.  Takato fell so deeply into this game that he lost track of time.  Suddenly, he was aware that it was nearly midnight.  He looked at the ground.  The tiny droplets had grown to a pool of that crimson blood.

              He dropped the knife, and stared in shock.  Never had he unconsciously gone that far.  The knife landed with a hard clunk upon the floor.  His arm continued to silently bleed, slowly killing him.  The pain suddenly shot to Takato's mind.  He felt nothing.  Pain like this was nothing.  Nothing.  He was getting dizzy from the loss of blood.  He struggled to stay conscious, knowing that losing his senses would make him lose the game of life.  Not tonight.  

            He was suddenly aware of a solemn presence in his room.  He glared swiftly up, and his garnet eyes erupted with fury when he saw the calm Renamon staring at him.  "Why are you doing this?  Slowly killing yourself.  It's a foolish mistake, Takato."  

            "I don't care!  Get out!! NOW!!!!!"  His anger made him forget the lightheadedness that had threatened him before.   He stood up, although he was forced to grab the bed post for support.  The fox Digimon raised an eyebrow.  

            "I'll call Ruki.  She'll get you out of this mess."  The Digimon made a move to teleport.  Takato began to laugh, but it was not the happy laughter that usually touched Renamon's ears.  

            "Do what you want.  You can't win."  Takato's bitter, cynical laughter bounced off the walls, and he jeered at the Digimon.  "I'll get my way in the end.  You can't stop anything from going on as it is."  He was now standing in a pool of his own blood, but he didn't seem to care.  "Now get out."  His eyes were filled with a calm sort of anger that frightened Renamon.  

            Then, the boy seemed to remember the dizzying sensation that had possessed him before.  He sat down, and closed his eyes.  Renamon left, but she was left with a lingering worry of what Takato would do if he was left to continue like this for too long.


	2. Pearly Skin

A/N - I think this is my best angst work yet, don't you?

**Chapter Two:  Pearly Skin**

_After an endless dream, in this miserable world  
That's right, maybe not using common sense isn't so bad after all  
Even with these awkward wings, dyed with images that seem to stay  
I'm sure we can fly, on my love_

_~_Translated from Butter-Fly

            Takato's parents knew all too well of their son's transformation from a happy boy to cold, cynical one.  Like every parent, they wished they could do something, anything, to help.  But they couldn't.  Only Takato could help himself, and it was clear to see that he couldn't…or wouldn't.  

            That very day, at breakfast, Takato silently came down.  His parents couldn't help but stare at him.  His skin was so pale, it could pass for milk.  The dark clothes he was wearing accented his skin even more.  Exactly how his hair had paled like it had, his parents were mystified.  It was so light, it was practically white.  His eyes were not bright with the life that should be flowing through.  They were dull.  

            Takato's mother was particularly affected by all of this.  It hurt deeply to see her son behaving like this.  As she watched him silently seat himself, her mind wandered to the many ways Takato was changed.  He kept himself cooped up in his room, and he never went places with his friends anymore.  He was doing wonderfully in school, but he never seemed to enjoy it, and she wasn't even sure if he actually went to school.   

            And then, all of the other strange things.  He seemed to disappear for hours at a time, returning only in the late hours.  He hardly ate a thing, quite a difference from his huge appetite from before.  He was sickly, and always seemed to be weak or sick.  And then, she had been noticing strange wounds on him.  

            Takato was sitting at the table, seemingly without interest in the food his father was cooking.  He was idly playing with his chopsticks, lost in his own world.  Then, his mother saw.  The cuts on his arm.  Takato's mother knew enough to know those weren't accidental cuts.  Nor were they inflicted by someone else.  They were created by Takato, perhaps in suicidal attempts.  

            A quick glance at her husband told her he had seen them too.  "Takato!!!  How did you get those cuts on your arm?"  That seemed to snap him out of his daze, and he stared blankly at his mother.  "Takato!"  

            "Do you really want to know?"  Takato's sudden words surprised her.  Lately, he hadn't even been saying anything, and now, he was asking her something.  If the situation hadn't been so tense, she would've been happy.  She dumbly nodded.  "Okay.  I'll show you."  And he picked up a knife from where it was lying on the table, and in one fluid motion, cut his arm.

            "Takato!"  And suddenly, she slapped him across the face.  In Takato's weak state, she managed to knock him unconscious.  He fell out of his chair and on to the floor.  Her husband gently scooped him up.

            "Gosh, he's light.  Shouldn't he weigh more than fifty pounds?"  Seeing the distressed look in his wife's eyes, he reassured her, "We'll take him to a hospital.  They'll be able to help him."  Takato's mother moved, as in slow motion, for the phone.  

            At the hospital, the doctors were shocked at Takato's state.  He was dangerously underweight, and due to this, his internal organs were very weak.  Seeing the many wounds he had, the doctors were able to quickly conclude Takato was very suicidal.  But it was his pale features that really shocked them.  Never had they seen anyone with skin so pale, nor hair so light.  

            "--I swear, I don't hurt him!  He's been hurting himself!"  Takato's mother cried as she heard the news.  "I want to stop him, but I can't."  

            "That's understandable.  Takato will be fine after a few weeks in intensive care.  But something besides his health bothers me."  The doctor fidgeted for a little while.  How could he break this news gently to the worried two in front of him?  "Well, we have a doctor here quite talented in psychology.  He was studying Takato--he was awake for a little while--and he noted some strange things about Takato."  

            Mrs. Matsuda grabbed the doctor's hand.  "Please, please tell me what's wrong with him?  I'd do anything to help him!"  

            The doctor sighed.  "Alright.  Takato's behavior was very odd when he was with the doctors.  He was jumpy, he didn't seem to trust any of them, and he seemed to be afraid.  And he didn't even flinch when they began giving him injections and such.  The doctor managed to get him alone for a little while, and, well, he concluded… Well, I'll just give it to you straight.  Some traumatic experience in Takato's life has affected him in a bad way.  We're guessing it involved a lot of pain, and that's why Takato can stand much of the pain of the shots.  It also mentally affected Takato greatly… We have no idea how much damage that could've caused.  That could be why he's suicidal."  

            For a few seconds, neither of the Matsuda's were able to speak.  Finally, Mr. Matsuda found his voice.  "So you mean, Takato is, well, psychologically unstable?"  The doctor nodded.  "Is there any way to help him?"  

            And then, the fatal word came.  "No."    


	3. Silent Plea

A/N - To the person who says it's hard to imagine Takato being like this:  Let's say ANYTHING is possible with my weird imagination.   And if you think that was strange, wait until you see some future chapters.

**Chapter Three: Silent Plea**

_Deep within yourself_

_When suddenly a strange thirst builds up in you _

_Your heart becomes gentler_

_And you begin to love somebody_

~Translated from Flame Sniper

            A lightning bolt split the sky over Japan.  Most people were at home, knowing they were safe from the danger, and they were all safe in their homes, safe from the dangers of life.  But what happens when you're sense of security is shattered.  Such as is the case with Takato.

            He lay in bed, in that safe hospital, tossing and turning.  Sweating and gasping, in his nightmare world, there was no escape from the terror that had betrayed him and come upon him to hurt him.  Takato could never feel safe, now that someone he had truly trusted had come to hurt him so badly.  

            Crimson eyes snap open, and tears pour out, for the haunting memory still lies with him, making him scared and afraid.  His sobs quake his whole body, and he cries openly, longing for the comfort that none can give.  The tears stain his pillow, and finally soothe him to sleep.  

            The morning's sun woke him suddenly, and he loathed the cheerful rays that shoved in his face the happiness he could no longer grasp.  He began crying softly, without a single sound, mourning the joys that were out of reach.  He looked out his window.  There was a little girl outside.  

             She was going home, and he enviously watched her run around happily, enjoying the freedom she now had.  Then, he saw the girl's mother come and scoop her daughter up in a hug.  The little girl looked up towards his window and gazed at him curiously.  Takato shut his window.  

            He lay back on his pillow, and stared at the ceiling for a little while.  Then, a nurse's cheery voice broke into his thoughts.  "Takato, you have some visitors.  I'll send them in a bit."  He ignored her.  Like he even WANTED visitors.  

            Then, his friends came in.  Hirokazu, Kenta, Juri, Rika, and Jenrya…  Instantly, a violent fear traveled slowly up his spine, and he began withdrawing in fear.  One of them had hurt him, and would again, if given the chance.  They sat down in some chairs in the room, and were struck dumb for a few seconds.

            Once again, they were startled at the unhealthy paleness of Takato's skin.  It had it's own fragile beauty, but it was so pale it practically blended with the white sheets.  His unruly mop of hair was also pale, but it was simply a very pale brown.  His ruby eyes, however, were dim but alert, an unusual happening.  

            One thing bothered Juri's sensitive eyes.  Takato seemed withdrawn, as if he was scared.  His eyes nervously darted from person to person, and he was tense.  It hurt Juri more than anyone to see Takato like this.  The affectionate boy who had once had a crush on her was so frightened and jaded that he couldn't even relax in the same room as his friends.  

              But Juri could sometimes see into the ruby mirrors of Takato's eyes.  She refused to believe he cared about nothing now and just wished to die.  After all he had done to get her back on her feet in the past, she was not going to give up on him.  Of all his friends, she talked to him the most, chattering happily about nothing, and delighting when she got a soft-spoken response.   In her heart, she loved Takato, and she knew that somewhere, Takato had a heart.  

            But right now, he was sitting silently, his eyes shining with fear.  Finally, Kenta mustered up the courage to say, "So, uh, Takato, how've you been feeling?  I mean, are you…um…"   He ran out of words there, and fell silent.  Takato shot him a sideways glance that seemed to say, how do you think I feel? 

            Kenta flustered even more, and looked sadly down at his feet.  Hirokazu now tried to think of something to say.  Finally, the first word he could think of shot out.  "Why can't you be civil?!  I mean, we know you're hurt and all, but you could AT LEAST try to be polite to us!  I mean, we're your friends!"  

            Takato said, in a quiet and oddly calm voice, "First off, Hirokazu, you do not know what has happened to me, second, why waste words on you, and third, some of you here, are not my friends."  Then, the pale boy fell silent again, ignoring his friends.  

            "Well, if you want to be Mr. Anti-social, FINE!! We'll leave!"  And then, Hirokazu stomped out, dragging Kenta with him, Jenrya and Ruki left together, until finally, only Juri was left.  

            "Takato… Cheer up, please…  Here."  She shoved a package into Takato's hands, and slowly stared into his blood-red eyes.  The frightened look was gone, but Takato was still silent.

            As Juri fled from the room, she could've sworn she heard a soft voice saying, "Juri-chan… gomen nasai…"  


	4. Tortured Mind

A/N - C'mon, reviews keep the creative juices flowing!!

**Chapter Four: Tortured Mind**

_The world will change, I know it, if you can overcome the pain   
There's no time for doubt, you've gotta fight   
The scenery will change, because you have the courage not to fear the sky   
You can take off, looking for another you_

~Translated from Evo

            For hours after his friends had left, Takato had remained in the depths of his memory, remembering the experience he would rather forget.  Forever.  Had anyone known at the time what had happened, the rest of this tale would never happen.  But no one knew.  Only Takato.  And the perpetrator.  

            _It was a mild summer's day.  Takato had enjoyed relaxing in the cool shade of the old hideout.  No one came here anymore, so no one was likely to disturb Takato's peaceful happiness.  Then, light footsteps outside announced someone's arrival.  Takato sat up happily to greet whoever it was.  _

_            "Takato…  Could I have a few words with you?"  _

_            "Sure, anything for one of my friends."  _

_            "Great!  Now, this might take a little while, but promise me something." _

_            "What?"_

_            "You never tell anyone what happens here today."  _

_            "Okay." _

Okay.  He had thrown his entire life away in that one word.  Okay, he wouldn't tell what would happen to him.  Okay, it was fine with him if his innocence was stolen away in a single day.  

            _Nothing had happened for a few minutes.  Light conversation, then, he realized that the hands of his companion were getting a little too curious.  "Hey, cut it--"  Then, strong hands clapped over his mouth.  _

_            "No talking.  Do you understand me?  NO TALKING."  Then, the curious hands resumed their roam around Takato's body.  Then, suddenly, a passionate kiss.  Takato whimpered, trying to get away.  The kisses continued, until, Takato punched his "friend" in an desperate attempt to get away.  "Trying to escape?  Why, we haven't begun to have fun yet."  _

_            Then, a knife.  A glinting silver blade.  Takato's eyes fixed on the blade, and he watched in horror as the blade ran smoothly through his skin.  He whimpered again, the fear apparent in his eyes. The blade kept slicing.  Soon, Takato was sitting in a pool of his own blood, weak from blood loss.  Too weak to try and resist the next, and final part of his attack._

Takato would never tell anyone what happened after he was beaten to a weak obedience.  No.  No one should ever know, nor should they ever live it.  Never his precious Juri-chan.  She shall forever be pure.  She deserved better than him, much better.  She deserved better than a crazy boy who was unhealthy and sickly.  She deserved anyone but Takato.

            But, this horrible torture was continuing.  Whenever he received the note, the warning, he was forced to return to that hideout.  Forced to live it until he was ready to die.  It would continue, and no one would ever know.  No one.  

            This was why he had transformed from the colorful butterfly who proudly showed his bright wings to one who hides his own, for fear some child should come along had capture him.  Suddenly, Takato remembered the package Juri had given him.  

            He carefully undid the wrappings.  There, simply wrapped in the plain paper was a pair of blue and yellow goggles, Takato's own.  Back from when he was a tamer.  With it was a note.  It was very brief, just one sentence.  

_I want the old Takato back._


	5. Home Again

A/N - Despite the noticeable lack of reviews, I like this fic, and it's nice to know that some people actually like it.  

**Chapter Five: Home Again**

_Slash the life! Wild instinct awakens   
Wild One! A hidden energy   
Slash the life! Take your hand and grab hold of your future _

~Translated from Slash!

            Two weeks in the hospital.  Two weeks of perpetual torture.  Two weeks of Takato torturing himself mentally.  Two weeks of remembering that the one thing he wanted in life didn't want him.  And now, he was going home.   He ignored his parents' attempts to make him smile or laugh.  He was beyond that.

            He walked silently upstairs to his room.  The knife was gone.  Instantly, worry spread up in Takato.  His parents must've taken it…  He needed it.  A substitute, must find a substitute…  His eyes fell on the mirror on the wall.  That would do nicely.  But before he automatically smashed it, he paused and thought.  His parents were still awake, they would find the mirror…  They would hear the smash…  No, better wait…

            The psychological damage done on Takato was indeed permanent.  Takato was inflicted with a permanent fear of people.  For his trust was betrayed with a close friend.  If that could happen with a friend, what about a stranger?  The suicidal tendencies were caused by Takato's desperate need to get out of the life he was in.  Also, Takato was doomed to always be on the fragile side.  His health was badly damaged as it was, and he couldn't even be active for more than a little while without getting exhausted.  

            The hours flew by until the sky was dark and filled with stars.  Takato moved like a silent shadow for the mirror.  Then, he paused in front of it.  Takato stared at his own reflection.  

            A boy with pale features stared back at him.  Takato rarely thought of his appearance, but he was still widely known as "cute."  His skin had been pale before, but his hospitalization had made it worse.  Takato was so pale it was like he was transparent, and you could see the suffering spirit inside.  He eyed his messy pale brown hair.  

            His attire was the usual, a black jacket, black jeans, and a dark shirt.  But Takato couldn't help but study his eyes.  Solid pools of liquid rubies.  He dully remembered being complimented on how beautiful his eyes were before, but that didn't bother him now.  They were, as usual, unreadable and dark, like the dark areas of water that hide their secrets at their bottoms.  

            Takato then realized he was still clutching something in his hands.  His goggles.  Juri-chan wanted him to wear them… Didn't she?  That's why she gave it to him… Right?  Her simple note came back to him.  _I want the old Takato back._  Did she really?  Or was it a lie?  No… Juri-chan wouldn't lie.    

             He slowly, hesitantly, slid his goggles on.  Their familiar weight comforted him, and he gratefully looked again at his reflection.  He looked more like the old Takato.  Maybe Juri-chan would be happy with that.  He would try.  Try to become to old Takato again.  For her.

            He turned away from the mirror.  And he sat down and reached under his pillow.  He pulled out a photograph.  He admired the beautiful girl that was there.  Her bright amber eyes…  Her dazzling smile….  The kindly look in her eyes…  The loving way she hugged the blushing boy next to her…  "Aishiteru, Juri-chan…" 


	6. Thief of Innocence

A/N - This fic has to be one of the best ones I've ever written!  But phooey… I gotta be SICK while I write it…  AND IT'S SUMMER VACATION TOO!!  My school has a messed up schedule that gives me summer in May.  Isn't that cool…  ^_^ But I'm sick…  T_T  People want me to write long chapters…  *sob*  BUT I CAN'T WRITE LONG THINGS!!!!  *sobs*  Oh, and things get juicy right about NOW!!

**Chapter Six: Thief of Innocence**

_When I wish on a star, with my pride on the wind  
I'll surely be able to see a tomorrow that can't be erased by today... _

_~_Translation of I Wish

            Takato had never liked school.  It wasn't his fault he did phenomenally, it was just the way things were.  He had never done so well before…  But Takato merely accepted this as a fact, that when he was jaded, he tended to do without thinking, simply to get it over with.  And when he didn't think, everything went fairly well.

            This was the reason, he, on this cold December day, was trudging towards school, simply to get it over with.  He didn't bother looking at the curious stares of people, or at the frantic waves and shouts of his friends.  Only Juri got, for a rare second, a half-grin, but it vanished the moment it appeared, and she wondered if she had imagined it.  

            But Juri's cheeks flushed with delight when she saw the familiar yellow and blue goggles perched on Takato's head.  Had he really listened?  

            All during class, Takato simply sat and did his work, at times idly gazing out the window into the sky.  His friends watched him, torn between delight and sadness.  Takato's dreamy state of before was no more, but they were seeing glimpses of it here and there.  

            At lunch, Takato, as custom, picked at his food, but Juri surprised him by plopping down right next to him, and beginning to talk casually.  Several boys looked enviously over at Takato, as Juri was the object of several boys' affections, and this undemonstrative boy was winning her over.   

            But Juri's careless chatter lowered into a tone of compassion.  "Takato-kun?  What happened to you…  I can't stand to see you like this…  Please, Takato, why won't you talk to me…"  

            "--kun?"  Takato's simple word surprised her.  "Takato-kun?"  And he smiled, although it really was a sad smile, she saw a flicker of happiness hidden inside.  "That sounds nice…"  But just as quickly, the wisp of happiness vanished, and Takato was again sober and quiet.

            "Please…  Takato-kun!  Tell me…  I won't hurt you…"  A single tear fell out of Juri's eyes, and it landed on Takato's hand.  He looked at it silently for a while.  

            "After school.  In the park.  Don't tell anyone.  Please? Juri-chan?"  And just as suddenly, Takato was gone.  Juri sat in shock for a few minutes.  Then, she smiled.  A few tables away, a smiling face turned cold.  Three people were anxious for the end of school: Takato, because he was unloading his burden to Juri, Juri, because she would find what was wrong with Takato, and finally, another who planned to silence Takato forever.

            After school came swiftly, and Juri raced for the park.  Already there, Takato sat, staring into the wind, almost as if he saw something special there.  For a brief second, Juri marveled at how beautiful he looked, staring sadly into the wind.  "Takato-kun…"  She swiftly ran down, and seated herself next to him.   "Will you tell me now?  Tell me what's wrong?  What happened?"

            Her companion's crimson eyes flashed a little, but he said nothing.  He seemed to fighting with himself, in a way that reminded her of a trapped animal, torn between freedom and the ones he loves.  "Alright."  He took a deep breath, and slowly began into his story.  

            "A year ago, the day I went to the park alone because you were busy.  I ran into…him…  He made me come with him to Guilmon's old hideout.  Then… I dunno…  We were just talking, when…"  Takato burst into uncontrollable sobs at this point.  He tried to stop, and only succeeded in crying harder.  Juri sat, stunned.  "He began touching me…

            "And then, he got worse, and he pulled out a knife…  I was scared.  Too scared to tell anyone or ask for help…  Damn him…  And then…  And then…"  Takato's tears streamed down his cheek, and he seemed that he could go no further.  But he managed to take a deep breath.  "He…he…raped me."  And the fragile child, torn apart by this one event, hugged his legs, and pulled himself up close, and cried.

            "Who?  Takato, who raped you?"  He refused to answer, simply crying all the harder.  "Takato!"  And suddenly, before Juri knew what she was doing, she slapped him across the face.  

            His wide ruby orbs shot her a look of confusion and fear.  "Takato…  I can't help you unless you find your courage…  Please, I'll protect you…"  

            "It was…it was…Jenrya."  And Juri was shocked into silence.  Jenrya?  Kind, sensitive, caring Jenrya raped innocent, sweet Takato?  Her thoughts flickered wildly, from person to person.  It was an impossible concept, but she knew Takato would never lie about such a thing.  It…it had to be true…  She watched sobbing Takato next to her, and she realized it was true.  Jenrya was one of Takato's closest friends, and if he could turn against him…  No wonder poor Takato was upset and confused.  

            "Takato…"  And she hugged him.  He let out a small gasp of shock, and slowly slid into the embrace.  He let out a shaky breath, and relaxed.  Soon, Juri leaned back, and Takato lay upon her, calmer.

            Soon, she felt his breathing relax, and she smiled to see he was asleep.  She sat up a little, and smiled at his sleeping head in her lap.  The two sat like this for a very long time, unawares of the pair of flashing gray eyes watching from behind a tree.  


	7. Cream Puffs

A/N - AND THE PLOT THICKENS!!!  Oh, and ARIGATO GOZIMAS!!!  *tears of joy*  You guys give me so many reviews!!  Now, at the most, this fic will have at least five-ten chapters, and with me, that's definitely possible!

**Chapter Seven: Cream Puffs**

_I know, I know, I know it's true   
I know, I know there's only one eternal soul   
More, more, more passionate   
I'll get more serious and I'll start to shine, only one _

~Translated from Only One

            'No… No… Stay away…  Please, spare me…"  Takato's dreams were haunted with memories of what Jenrya had done.  Tears poured down his cheeks, and he writhed in the agony of his memory.  "No, no, no…  Not Juri… Leave her…  Take me…"  Jenrya's threats were also fresh in Takato's memory, the threats to harm Juri if Takato didn't cooperate…  

            Suddenly, Takato's eyes snapped open, and he gasped, trying to get out of that nightmare world, to place himself back here, to reassure himself he was safe.  But after a best friend betrays you, there is no place for you to feel safe.  He hugged himself, as tears silently trickle down his cheek.  

            Takato felt a raging desire to run away, to go somewhere where he can relax a little, and come back when he feels a little better.  The park, even in freezing December, was appealing to Takato, being of the serenity of the place.  He slowly crept downstairs.  He peeked at his parents, already baking bread at this early hour.  Hmm…  Cream puffs are good.  Perhaps he would take a few along, and snack on them if he was hungry.  

            Like a lightning flash, Takato took three freshly baked cream puffs, and tucked them into a small bag.  Then, he was gone before anyone knew.   He was dressed thinly, with only his jacket and thin long pants for protection.  But Takato didn't mind the cold.  The cold was comforting sometimes, because he could see nature suffering more than him, covering everything with it's ice.  

            He arrived in the park, out of breath and gasping.  Then, a small little voice broke into his muddled thoughts.  "Takato!!  Why are you out here in the cold?"  It was, of all Digimon, Culumon.  The little Digimon blinked big green eyes at the Tamer standing in the cold.  "Ooh!  You have cream puffs!!  Can I have some?"  

            "When we get to somewhere a little warmer."  Takato didn't think it was good to sit in the snow and eat, so he shooed Culumon to a little covering not far from Guilmon's hideout.  Takato handed two of the yummy cream puffs to Culumon, and began slowly eating his.  

            He had almost forgotten how good cream puffs taste.  He licked the cream absent-mindedly, dully remembering when his parents made these out of desperation to get him to eat.  He watched Culumon, and gaped at the little Digimon's eating pace.  Culumon had already finished one, and was starting on the other.  

            He began doing something he had done since he was little: Lick every inch of the cream out.  Suddenly, Culumon's little voice came into his head.  "Takato, why are you always so sad?"  

            Takato looked up, startled, and slowly, he looked down again.  "It's something no one would understand, Culumon…  I can't tell you."              

            "Takato, you became different since that day I heard you screaming inside Guilmon's hiding place.  What happened?"  Takato shook his head violently, and tried to stop the rapid fire of memories that threatened to take a hold of him.  But then, other horrible memories came into his mind.

            _"Stay away from me… Guilmon was so nice and sweet before, and you changed him… I don't believe you have a real Digimon… Data, nothing more… We haven't even gotten started… Useless boy!… Takato… Takato!"  _Poor Culumon looked on bewildered as Takato began crying uncontrollably in front of him,  the tears streaming unchecked down his face.  

            "Takato!  I'm sorry, did I say something wrong?  Takato!  Stop crying!"  Culumon shook the boy, in a vain attempt to make him stop.  Takato was crushing the remains of the cream puff in his hand.  

            "Do you know what I am, Culumon?"  Takato shook the cream puff in front of his face, and the little Digimon gazed at him, confused.  "I am like this cream puff deprived of cream!  Empty, with no soul, no heart, nothing!  I deserve to die!!  I'm just this monster, this THING that doesn't deserve to live…  I don't deserve anyone, not Juri, not anyone!  Now, everyone's going to get hurt, just because of my stupid mistakes…  And Guilmon will never help me again…"  Takato began crying again, sobbing for his lost partner, who he'd never see again…

            And suddenly, Takato got up and ran, and poor Culumon frantically followed, afraid for his friend.  Takato's tears slowed, but the choking sobs continued to wrack his body.  Suddenly, Takato ran out into the road.  He looked around, choking, and suddenly Culumon began screaming, "Takato!!  Takato!! There's a car coming, a car!!  Takato!"  

            And Takato frozen in the center of the road, was only able to watch the car, his eyes wide and innocent.  _I deserve to die… Deserve to die… To die… Die…  _


	8. In The Dark

A/N - I didn't cross any LINES, I was already a bit on the insane/crazed ideas side.  Besides, I didn't know how to end that chapter properly.  **Here's a tip:  The short chapters are good, because if I made them to long, you would get tired of reading.  That happens to me and long fics, unless it's super interesting.  Always take good things in moderation!**  Let's not stand around chatting when we could be reading, on with the show!!

**Chapter Eight: In The Dark**

_Bury the heart that is tangled with love and every day with kisses_

_More than now, more than this, hold me tight so that I might break_

_More tighter more more..._

~Translated from Days ~Aijou to Nichijou~

            Die…  Where am I?  Why am I here?  Something happened…  What happened?  I wish Juri was here.  Or Guilmon.  Where is Guilmon?  I want my best friend.  But he's gone.  What happened to Guilmon?  Dead…  

_            Guilmon came sniffing up to his old hideout. "Hi Takato!  Takato…  Why are you hurt?  There's blood Takato…  Why are you crying?  Who hurt you Takato?"  Takato lay in a pool of blood on the ground, his clothes torn and stained with blood.  Tears streaming down his cheeks.  "Takato!!  Who did this to you? Tell me!"_

_            Takato could not stop the sobs that forced themselves out of his throat, the shivers that wracked his whole body.  The fear and terror in his eyes.  "J--J--enr--Jenrya…"  He struggled to breathe, and closed his eyes.  Soon, his breathing was calmer, if not labored._

Who is calling me?  I hear…Culumon…  Leave me be.  There is…pain…  But pain is good.  Pain is comfort, relief from the events that exist only in memory now.  And blood…  Who's blood?  My blood.  My bitter-sweet blood.  Culumon is crying.  I can feel a tear upon my cheek.  Crying is for the weak.  I am weak.  And alone.

            _And Guilmon ran for where Jenrya was.  In the park, with the other tamers.  "Jenrya!  You hurt Takato!"  The gray-eyed tamer faked surprise.  "Don't deny it…  Takato is lying in a pool of his own blood in this very park, crying.  Your scent is near him.  And it's fresh."_

_            "Guilmon!  I would never hurt Takato!"  But Guilmon was beyond hearing, for pure rage was building up inside, rage that anyone would dare hurt his tamer and deny it.  He thought of Takato's wide scared eyes.  No one could hurt Takato.  _

_            "Then why would Takato refuse to tell me the name of his attacker?  Did you threaten him?  I shall kill you for Takato!"  And Guilmon charged towards Jenrya, heedless of his own safety and the fact that Terriermon was with Jenrya.  _

_            Takato sobbed, watching the fight with his arc.  "Guilmon…  Please don't get hurt…  I wouldn't be able to be happy without you…"  But Takato's energy was too greatly depleted to lend any to Guilmon or move enough to slash a card as help._

            I hear sirens.  You fools waste your time helping me.  I am merely shadow, a dark thing in this light world.  I will pass on eventually, no matter what you do.  The darkness is comforting for me.  I need not your petty "life-aids."  The darkness is relief.  Leave me be.

_            And Guilmon recklessly charged into battle, a raging demon of all fire and fight.  "Terriermon matrix evolve to…  Rapidmon!"  But Guilmon couldn't care about Rapidmon.  He wanted to see Jenrya's blood on the ground, to match his tamer's.  He had to see Jenrya suffer for Takato._

_            "Tri-Beam!"  Guilmon froze.  His data stretched, warping until they vanished in a stream of digital data.  The other tamers looked on in horror.  But Guilmon's voice lived on.  _

_            "I tried Takato…  I tried…"  And Takato burst into a fresh wave a tears as his arc's screen went to static.  Forever.  Guilmon was gone forever, his cheerful partner, always hungry was gone…_

            Where am I?  It's quiet.  Who is that…?  Juri-chan?  It is dark.  Very dark.  And the pain is number, softer, duller.  Am I on a bed?  Dark…  My head hurts.  I want Guilmon.   I can feel someone by my bed.  Juri-chan?  I hear sobs.  Please don't be sad.  I don't want you to be sad.  Not for me.   But it is dark.  Dark like in my heart.__


	9. Takato Speaks

A/N - And slowly, I'm figuring out the ending of this story.  Believe me, it is one thing that you would NEVER, in your wildest dreams expect.  Now, keep giving me reviews, and I'll keep giving you chapters!

**Chapter Nine: Takato Speaks**

_The events of dreams are real   
Let's have the courage to go forward _

~Translated from Bokura no War Game

            Juri had sat by Takato's bedside since he had been brought to the hospital.  No one could make her leave, she seemed determined to see him live.  His chances were very slim.  He had been taken off life support, but his breathing was irregular and the doctors weren't expecting Takato to live long.  

            But Juri seemed to have some hope.  It was a lingering hope, deep inside her heart, that one who she cared about would live.  She spoke to him.  The only difference was that he couldn't even look at him, with his bright eyes, or give his crooked smile, or even say a single word.  "Hey Takato.  Wake up now.  You've slept too long.  It's been a week.  Wake up now…"  

            _Wake up now…  Wake up now…_  Takato heard the words.  It was Juri's voice who spoke it.  She sounded worried.  Perhaps he should listen to her.  But this darkness of slumber was so peaceful.  But Juri wanted him.  His sparkling red eyes opened.  "Juri-chan…?  Where are you?"

            "I'm right here Takato.  Next to you.  Can't you see me?"  Her amber eyes reflected her worry.  Takato turned his crimson eyes towards her.  They were blank and unseeing.  "Oh… Takato!  Your eyes…  Your beautiful eyes…"  

            "Juri-chan…  I can't see.  Everywhere is darkness Juri…  All I can see are shadows…"  She could feel her eyes well up with tears.  Takato was blind.  Her best friend, already so shrouded in darkness, was now permanently trapped.  "Juri-chan…  What would you do if I died?"

            She was stunned by the question.  "Takato!  Don't speak so.  You are not going to die."  Her breathing rose, as she panicked that Takato would get fantasies and carry them out.

            "But Juri, I'm just… So tired of living.  Life's never been easy for me.  I don't want to live anymore, Juri-chan.  But what is death like?  Is it painful?  Or is it like falling asleep?  I don't want to die.  But I don't want to live.  Tell me Juri, what should I do?  I hate life, and I want to leave it, but I'm afraid of death."  

            "Takato!! Stop, stop!"  Tears were streaming down her cheeks.  She was frightened.  "Takato!  I don't want you to be unhappy, but I want you to live."  

            He smiled a lopsided grin.  But there was a dark meaning behind it.  "Juri-chan, we can't have everything in life.  In fact, some never get what they want.  You want me happy and alive.  That is never to be."  His sightless eyes fixated on her.  They were unnerving, the way they stared unblinkingly on her.  "Tell me Juri."

            Juri was beginning to get scared of Takato.  It wasn't his anger that frightened her this time.  It was his steady reliance on her to pull her out of these situations.  She stood up as softly as she could.  "Are you leaving?"  She looked on with shock at Takato.  How had he known?  "Well than, let me tell you something."

            "No! I don't want to hear it!"  

            "Please Juri-chan.  Hear me out.  It is but one word…"

            "No."

            "Please…"  She turned to leave.  "Aishiteru."  Her ears caught the softly spoken word, but something in her heart made her change the simple response she had been planning.  She never meant to say anything as strongly as she did.  

            "I hate you.  I hate the way you rely on me, I hate the way you look.  I hate the way you are just SO innocent.  I hate everything about you.  I hate you Takato Matsuda, and I don't want ever to see you again!"  And she fled the room.  

            Takato couldn't move on his bed.  His heart was in pieces.  He couldn't release his sadness.  He couldn't cry a single tear to express the pain he felt.  "Juri-chan…"  He began gently touching the veins in his wrists, with a new understanding of the life flowing through.  His sightless eyes saw more than when he could see. 

            "I hate life, but I'm afraid of death…  I am jaded…"   The sunlight streamed through the window, as if to save Takato.  But it was too late, Takato was already dead inside.                 


	10. Shadow In The Dark

A/N - I'm guessing this fic will end in, counting this chapter, about four chapters.  Five at the most.  Now, review me!  I want to end with at least forty reviews!  *Spoiler!*  Character death(s), action, suicidal tendencies, self-torture, and the usual lovely angst.  A more meaningful than happy ending.

**Chapter Ten: Shadow In The Dark**

_Get beak up! To break up!   
A new fighter, this is the true beginning   
You'll surpass yourself   
From this place   
It's time to go!! _

~Translated from Break Up!

            He who calls Takato Matsuda weak and simple speaks lies.  Takato was indeed lacking in physical stature, but his mind was sharp, if a little odd.  The skinny boy had somehow managed to slip by nurses, doctors, and other obstacles and gotten out of the hospital, all without the power of sight. 

            Add that to having wandered a crowded city with many dangers, all while still recovering from a car accident, plus being blind, and managing to find an single spot in a park, Takato was no ordinary one, indeed.  He settled himself in the darkness of the tunnel of Guilmon's old hideout.  It mattered not the darkness of the tunnel, nor the condition of it.

            The bitter winter wind blew many freezing winds over Takato, but he simply snuggled deeper into his thin jacket, and sighed.  How close death seemed?  He would welcome the bitter demon anytime, but it seemed reluctant to call upon Takato.  He wished for anything to fall asleep and never wake up, but that sleep never came.  

            Raped by Jenrya…  Put through mental torture by himself…  Rejected by Juri…  The final acts of Takato's life were slowly coming in order.  He was waiting for only one thing.  

            Something changed all of Takato's plans, though.  If it wasn't that Jenrya had discovered Juri knew his deed…  If Juri hadn't trusted Jenrya…  If Jenrya hadn't decided to teach Juri the value of silence…  Perhaps Takato would've died that very day if all of this never happened.  But it did, and Jenrya brought Juri to Guilmon's hideout.

            "Jenrya! Let go of me!"  Juri's high-pitched shrieks made their way to Takato's sensitive ears.  He turned in worry.  Juri was screaming.  What was Jenrya doing to her?  Takato still loved her, despite the rejection he received.  Something in his mind clicked.  Was he… Was Jenrya raping Juri?  

            He could only hear what was going on.  Juri's cries for help, her pleas for mercy.  Her heart-wrenching shrieks and pitiful gasps.  Jenrya's groans of pleasure and lust.  Takato said nothing this entire time, but simply listened.  He could smell something strange as well, but that didn't bother him.  Something in Juri's cries made their slow way over to the hard stone that was Takato's heart.

            _Should I help her?  No…  I don't want to get hurt…  But I love her.  She can't get hurt…  What should I do?  Well…  Maybe…  Just one time…  Couldn't hurt…  Even if I die because of it…  I'll help her…  _But Takato couldn't do it in brave thrust like others could.  

            All he did was come closer to the entrance of the tunnel.  And he slowly inched closer.  Finally, he grasped the edge of the tunnel, and stood there, listening.  He heard Juri's gasp of surprise.  Jenrya's sharp intake of breath.  Takato turned his head a bit, trying to figure out exactly where they were.  

            In this simple action, he had shocked Jenrya into stopping.  That was the chance Juri needed.  She did something, and he heard Jenrya groan in pain.  Then he heard more sounds of a struggle.  Then, he heard Juri cry out in pain and surprise.  And he heard no more signs of movement from her.  

            "Well, Takato, I've got to hand it to you.  You're always at the right place at the wrong time.  I was never expecting to have two victims today.  But if you insist…"  

And it began again. Takato whimpered as it happened again, the pain it caused.  He was too feeble to try and struggle too much.  The pain was nearly overwhelming this time.  His sightless eyes were still blank, as were the rest of his face, for Takato hid his pain.  Jenrya must not know the pain he caused.  Hide the pain…  Hide the pain…  Never give in to the enemy…  

            That angelic voice began calling again.  _Takato!  Takato!  Don't give up Takato!  I'm still here!  Please, stay with me!  Takato…  Takato…  Aishiteru…_


	11. Courage

A/N - Almost done!!  Almost done!!  Two or so chapters after this one!!

**Chapter Eleven: Courage **

_Stand up! There's a fighter inside me   
An approaching target, there's no way I can run away   
Burn up! A warrior burns in my chest   
I can't stop undecided at a fork in the road _

_The hot sparks fly _

_~_Translated from Target: Akai Shougeki

            Takato had never been able to completely grasp courage, always reaching and finding it out of reach.  When he was being raped, his best friend pressed against the wall in horror as she watched, having courage was the last thing on Earth he could do.  

            Jenrya was laughing.  Lust was burning inside, and he felt the extreme need to make Takato reach his limits, to give in and admit defeat.  But Takato couldn't do that.  Then, Jenrya's eyes flashed with anticipation as he pulled out the knife.  "Remember this Takato?"  He let it flash in the light.  Takato, being unable to see the flashes, wondered what he was talking about. 

            Takato was losing himself in the wide ocean that was life, drowning as he was pulled into life's waters.  Then, something inside clicked, and he faded into a peaceful darkness.

            _"--Takato…"  A voice?  Who is calling me?  Who dares disturb my rest?  Takato's crimson eyes looked around.  He wasn't in that room anymore…  Or was he?  Was he hallucinating?  Visionless eyes looked around the room.  He sensed a presence over nearby.  He stretched his hands towards it._

_            "Takato!"  His sensitive fingers had grasped the source, and he had been feeling it.  "What's the matter?  Oh, you're blind."  Takato gave no reply.  He felt warm skin beneath thin clothes, and slowly, Takato rose.  A pounding heart, much like his own.  He touched the face.  Warm breath…  Big eyes…  Soft hair…  Then, Takato touched the beautiful wings extending from this person.  Soft as silk, and so fluffy.  _

_            "Takato!  Do you know where you are?"  Takato shook his head.  "You are in your consciousness.  I exist only here!"  Takato, occupied with the person's wings, only nodded.  "I am Courage."  Takato stopped touching the wings._

_            "Courage?"  _

_            "That's right!! You love Juri, don't you?"  _

_            "Yes."_

_            "Then protect her!  Fight back against that Jenrya!!  Are you going to just let him hurt Juri and you?  Where's your courage?  Why aren't you using it?  Takato!  Call upon the strength of before, just one more time!"  The figure fluttered his wings. "Turn your courage into wings!  I did!  You can too!"_

_            "I… can?"  _

_            "Of course you can!  They're invisible wings, but they can pack a punch!  C'mon Takato!  Protect Juri!!  Then, you may go to your just reward.  Takato!"  Takato stared into the darkness.  "Takato!  Never hesitate!!  You can see me for encouragement!"  Suddenly, Takato was flooded with images.  He turned his eyes to a boy who looked almost completely normal.  Bright eyes, spiky hair, and flashy goggles.  He danced in front of Takato and he could see those transparent wings.  The darkness returned, but Takato had a new, fragile hope.  _

_            "C'mon Takato!  Turn your courage into wings!  Save Juri!"  Then the figure laughed, and added, "I'll see you again afterwards!"  And Takato knew what he had to do._

He woke up again and heard Juri screaming again.  He swept his spindly hands until he found the silver blade abandoned on the floor.  He pulled his fingers upon it.  It was razor sharp.  He could sense the heat radiating from Jenrya.  He felt the blade in his hand.  And he struck.  

Juri was shocked to see Jenrya weakening.  He seemed to be in extreme pain.  Then she saw the blood pooling on the ground.  Jenrya was gasping for air, for life, for something. The blood came faster, spilling over everything.  Jenrya's bold gray eyes were dulling, he was dying in front of Juri.  "I'm sorry Juri…"  He managed to gasp out, as the life drained out of him.  He fell down, and soon lay still.  Dead.  This revealed Takato still holding the knife behind him.  "Takato!"     

            He turned his head in her direction.  He carelessly shoved Jenrya to one side and kissed Juri, just once and briefly, on the lips.  She gasped, and opened her eyes as she stared at Takato.  He pulled away, and didn't move for a few seconds.  "Juri-chan.  I need to leave."  And he got up and ran into Guilmon's tunnel, into the darkness beyond.  


	12. The Old Takato

A/N - Thank you for telling me that the fic is underrated.  Whoever wrote that poem, that was GREAT!!  And to the person that wrote three different ways the story could end, well, the cowards way out is not how I interpret that.  Oh, and this is the final chapter.  ^_^ Thank you for staying with me for this far!!  Don't forget to review me!! 

**Chapter Twelve: The Old Takato**

_I'll turn my courage into wings  
And fly away soon  
No matter when  
I always believe in you _

~Translated from Yuuki wo Tsubasa ni Shite

            Takato ran in the tunnel, heedless of direction.  He had to get as far away from Juri as possible.  If she knew what he was doing, she would be upset.  And Juri deserved to be happy when Takato took his last breath.  He landed with a thump on the ground, exhausted, unable to run any further.  

            He ran his fingers along the knife.  Still razor-sharp.  Jenrya's blood now stained that, but Takato cared not.  It would do.  He struggled to sit up, and leaned against the tunnel wall.  He held the blade to his wrist, and moved it to where those veins of life were.  Push, slice.

            Juri and Jenrya were found many hours later, and Juri was taken to the hospital.  It was in an uproar because a certain Takato Matsuda had managed to disappear from there several hours ago, despite his being in critical condition since the car accident.  Juri couldn't help but worry.  Where was Takato?

            In the events of that night, Takato had forgotten the car accident.  Now, it was taking it's toll on his body.  All the better for Takato.  It would bring the shadow of death faster.  Push, slice.

            Juri managed to get released from the hospital early, with the excuse of looking for Takato.  It was common knowledge that the only person Takato would speak to and act normally around was Juri, so she really was the best person.  She ran back for the hideout.  _Please, please don't die Takato!_

            Takato lay in the darkness, slowly bleeding to death.  The blood trickled out of his wrists, and pooled on the ground.  Dizzying sensations accompanied this, but Takato was welcoming death, eager for it to come.  But footsteps broke into the muddle of Takato's thoughts.  "Oh, Takato!"  It was Juri.

            "Juri-chan?  Please…  Don't cry."  She gasped.  How did Takato know she was crying?  He couldn't see her tears.  "I can feel your sobs.  Please, don't cry!"  He sighed.  "This is for the better…"  

            "I don't see how dying is for the better about anything!"  He made an attempt to smile, and she saw that old reckless grin, the one unafraid of nothing.  Just like before…

            "Remember, what I told you…?  How I didn't want to live?  I'm getting my wish.  And I'm not afraid of death anymore, Juri-chan…  This is a comfort…"  She stared at him, cradling him against her, blind to his blood seeping into her clothes.  "I hated life, Juri-chan…  Jenrya made me afraid of everyone…  I couldn't enjoy happiness…  The darkness became a friend…  Death will be a relief from life, Juri-chan."  

            She began crying again, and her tears fell on Takato.  He could barely move to grasp them, but he felt them.  "Please don't cry, Juri-chan."  And again, she felt that it was the old Takato she held in her arms, the one that was always bright and cared so deeply for others.  "_Death is a pleasure to those jaded_."  The words seemed to be echoing ominously, as if some spirit was saying it along with Takato.  She stared at him again, trying to memorize his pale features.

            His messy mop of pale brown hair was stained with blood.   His white skin was rapidly getting paler, as the seconds went by.  His eyes, his bold and bright eyes, were rapidly getting duller, as slowly his life's blood flowed out.  And he could not see her to say good-bye.  She suddenly leaned down and kissed him.  His face was getting cold.  

            "Juri-chan…  Please…live for me…  Juri-chan…"  Strength gone, Takato struggled to form the word.  "Aishiteru, Juri-chan…"  And he now focused on slowly breathing his last breaths.  

            He grinned.  A wild, reckless grin of before.  Then he took his last breath, his crimson eyes focused on Juri one last time.  He let it out, and his eyes closed.  His body went still, and the little life left flowed out.  Takato was dead.  

            But Juri looked at his face.  He was smiling, a dreamy smile in death.  And she knew, that before death, he had granted her wish and become the old Takato, just for one last time.     


End file.
